A+B= volatile!

i'm going to go on a rant and quite frankly, idc, it's my blog.

See, I have this friend, love them dearly but this friend let's call them A, is in a volatile relationship and it pisses me off. A likes B, they were even together until a bunch of stuff happened between them and whatever, not the issue. A was really gutted over it, heartbroken and I was there to pick up the pieces. But A got it in their head that A could win B back. which is fine, I mean, if you love someone you want to be with them, trust me, I get it. I mean, I bent over backwards to try and find a way for Thomas and I to work, even though he lives in Texas for god sakes... TEXAS!!!! what in the frilly heck was i thinking? But I digress, back to A and B.
So A thought that by changing pretty much every aspect of their life, B would take A seriously and take A back. This included finding a very good, possible start of a career job, (which I'm all for, I mean one has to think of their future,) giving up on something A loved but says they can't love anymore because it's meaningless without B, and basically doing everything A feels is "mature" and would impress B.
You know, there's nothing wrong with making changes in one's life, my issue is the whole making changes for all the wrong reasons. A claims that their life will be better, it will win B back, blah blah bliddy blah. I'm sure A's life will be better... right now.... but will A be happy? probably not down the road and that's what bugs me.
I like to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, see all possibilities because life is full of different possibilities. A is completely focused on one thing and one thing only, can you guess what? you're right, it's B.
you know that whole Love is blind crap? yeah, well it's true. Love blinds you to everything. Love screws you up in oh so many fucking ways, I just don't have enough time in the world to go through it all. I sound super bitter, right? the funny thing is, I'm not. I've been in love a few times and it's amazing, it's wonderful. The heartbreak, not so much but i wouldn't trade any of it. You need to fall in love, you do. everyone should experience it and in my opinion, more than once because each time you fall in love and have your heart broken, it shapes you, it makes you a better person as most any experiences do. It's not to say the heartbreak sucks because it does and oh my god does it hurt. A hurt I never want to experience again but am sure I will. The thing is, I don't fall very often but when I do, I fall hard and I give my everything to it. Every part of my being and I dunno, I feel that's not neccesarily the best thing to do but I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of person. I mean, hello, I have a tattoo on me that says all or nothing in gaelic. yeah, I know, can it be more in my face.

I have this feeling that A is the same way if this whole situation is any indication and has been going on for what... over 6 months? more? i don't know. but it's obvious that Love is blinding A. even when B hurt A so much, A still made excuses, that it wasn't B's fault... umm what? B just did something that hurt you ten times worse than what you supposedly did to them and you're making excuses for them? how is that right?
But heaven forbid I say anything because by me saying anything at all, i'm either a bitter old hag, or I just can't be happy for someone, or my absolute favorite, I'm in love with A. I know, people are automatically thinking A is a guy but don't be so sure. that's all I'm saying. there's a reason I dont clarify which gender A or B is.
And really, any of the above 3 just pisses me off. I'm pissed, beyond anything about it. let me clarify this. 1) I'm not THAT bitter, sheesh, I just have a lot more experience in this game called love. everyone is different but come on!!! I've been there. One of my exes slept with a girl, ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! and I justified it somehow. I fricking justified and tried to make us work... a whole... what, nother year?. another ex used to come home reeking of perfume and shit and I still justified it... your mind does fucked up things when you love someone and don't want to lose them. 2) I can be happy for  people. In fact, I'm happy for A LOT of people but it's funny how the one time you're not happy about a situation, you're kind of a bitch. and 3) I like A??? Seriously? Let's get one thing straight, even if there was a chance or time of me liking A, it would be gone, poof, out the window, while watching A fawn all over B and in some cases, making a complete idiot of themselves.
Oh i'm sorry, am I being a little harsh? perhaps. but again, my blog. And the chance that someone figures out who either A or B is or that even one of them reads this and even figure out it's one of them, well... know this... chances are, every third party agrees with me, it's not exactly quiet news what's going on with you two and if you realize it's you... I've been holding this back for a long time because, I'm not allowed to give an opinion... so I'll do what I do best... write my opinion. Honestly, I'm tired of walking on eggshells, having to watch everything I say because if I say one thing, you don't like, you say things about, hey as long as I'm happy and why can't you be happy for me, or you don't know what you're talking about and, I'm not listening to you.

so A's been busy trying to win B back but I'm hearing conflicting stories about B. Either, not wanting to be won back, or trying hard to just keep A as a friend, which isn't really working if what A has been saying is any indication. In A's mind, they are THIS close to getting back together. A almost has 'won'. But this is how I see it and B, I'm sorry if I'm wrong cuz I love you dearly too but B has the best of both worlds. B has a sort of... significant other... whenever one is needed, well for anything but at the same time, B is still single and can mingle if they so choose, even though A swears up and down that B isn't/won't. but.... B is single, so really, it's not A's business if B does or not. amiright? B doesn't even have to tell A anything if B so chooses. But that's not how A sees it.
and yeah, although it's out of my hand, I can't do anything, mind my own business blah blah blah, I get it okay, I'm still invested. Why? cuz they're my friends for one and also because I'm the one always picking up the pieces of A's broken heart whenever there is a setback. So it upsets me, who wouldn't it upset but still, A doesn't get why it would or should bug me, why I can't be just as elated as they are. Because I'm like, a 3rd party, I don't have those loving feelings that have them blinded. I have a bigger picture view and I can't help but groan and think. What the fuck, seriously, what the fuck are you thinking/doing? or, okay, you're fine now, but in a month's time, I'm going to be right beside you again, watching you drink yourself into oblivion and letting you cry out your broken heart.
It's gotten to the point where I want to say, I don't care, I just don't care anymore. And sometimes I don't because I'm tired of watching A get hurt but the next day justifying what B might have done and working on getting B back. But othertimes I have to stop and ask something, like why are you still doing this? Why are you putting yourself through this. And A will reply with their reasoning and always end it with 'hey, but at least Im happy.' and the cynic in me silently finishes that with yeah, but for how much longer? instead, I grit my teeth and always say something like, yeah, I'm glad you're happy or yeah, I'm happy for you. when I want nothing more than to grab A's shoulder and shake them until they get it, until they understand. this is volatile. this will lead to nothing good. BOTH of you are only setting yourself up for heartache.
But I can't... and all that's going to happen is I'm going to sit here with my bottle of JD and wait until i get that call again and swoop in for the rescue because that's the kind of person i am. even if A shits all over our friendship sometimes.

Whatever can I mean by that? truthfully and I'm not being full of myself, I'm a great friend. I will do anything for them. I have done lots, Ive been there when no one else has, I've gone to rescue them when stranded, amongst tonnes of other things I can't really say without giving identities away. But it's not always returned. A would like to say yes, it is but doing one thing for me does not make up for all I've done to help or whatever. this isn't a who's a better friend thing, I'm just saying there has to be give and take on both sides... not give mostly on one side and give... once in awhile on the other...
sitting here, thinking about it reminds me of a situation in high school. When I was in grade 11, my friends and I started hanging out with a group of grade 10 guys... I liked one of them, like a lot. His names Adam. my friends knew but it turned out Adam liked Sam and when she turned him down, he went after Steph. I mean, in high school, it was total taboo to go after a guy your friend like but steph began dating him, much to my chagrin but I dealt with it and we all hung out all the time (this has nothing to do with the current situation but i'm setting it up, shush) anywho, right before summer started, Steph broke up with Adam, and he was beyond heartbroken. He was so head over heels for steph and somehow, I ended up being the one Adam came to for help with his broken heart.... I've always been the 'listener' of the group, so to speak so Adam needed someone to talk to and he invited me over to talk (that's all we did. I never made out with him or anything, which, a part of me is glad about... ) So that summer, Adam and I started hanging out a lot. It was my first summer being able to drive and having a car so Adam and I did A LOT. I was there, A LOT. his parents were the sweetest, we had fun... at least I did, at first.. but soon Adam started wanting certain things from me and I would bend over backwards to make my friend happy. Drove him everywhere, did everything for him... take him to movies but soon I started realizing, everything he had me start doing, led back to Steph... He even had me come out to see him (we didn't live near each other) drive back to Steph's house, then basically told me to bugger off as he tried to win Steph back. I was hurt, I was so fucking hurt. Here I was, doing everything possible for this guy as a friend and he just couldn't care two shits about me. and worst, he didn't get why this upset me. why I was hurt. He was using me and eventually when his and Steph's reconciliation would hit a rough patch, he would use me to make her jealous. One point, she came up to me and said, so Adam says you still like him and you guys hold hands and stuff... how could you do this to me.... I was floored... I mean, how? what in the? seriously? I probably looked like a fish out of water, my mouth opening and closing.

So while not ALL is the same, I see some parallel's and it's making me nervous... I didn't even get a happy birthday on my birthday because A was so entranced with B and A couldn't see why I was pissed. A doesn't get why I get pissed when they blow off our plans for B or just... anything.. .this is a friendship and it shouldn't be one sided...

Wow, so i totally ranted all over the place... i just... arghhh... I'm at my wits end...

here's the thing, A I want you to be Happy, your happiness is the most important thing to me and right now, you think that means with B. but because of everyhing... that happiness is temporary, I don't think you can be happy like this forever. trying to find someone who wants to wholeheartedly be with you, who loves you for you, that's what matters. Who knows, maybe B is it but not right now. and you will never find out unless you give each other that space. It's going to hurt, a lot but one day, you'll wake up and it will be a little easier and it will keep getting easier but you can never get there if you don't give yourself the chance. Hate me all you want, blame it on me. but me saying this doesn't make it any less true. this isn't about me being bitter, being a bitch or not being able to be happy for you, this isn't about me liking you because let's face it, how could I fall for someone who doesn't quite get the value of our friendship. You say you do but you don't really because truth is, there;s gonna come a time, even though you say it never will when B will tell you not be friends with me and you will drop me in a heartbeat because for some reason B is sure I like you, WHICH I DON"T, in case B reads it and B better not think I like you cuz you're pulling the shit adam pulled and trying to make B jealous cuz if that was ever true, I would walk away and not come back.

I give ALL to all my relationships, whether it be with Love or with Friendship. I don't do it very often, I very rarely let people in and I'm fine with that. I'm an introvert through and through, I like being alone, I prefer it but once in awhile, someone comes along and I let them in. I let them see the real me. So when it gets to the point where I have to question just how one sided everything is, I'm already beyond hurt because I have that doubt in me.

Did I make a mistake?

Or am I just an idiot?

You ever....?

You ever hit that moment where half of you wants to cry, when it feels like your heart's been stomped on and you're left kneeling in the dirt, picking it up and dusting it off trying to tell it that it's okay and you promise never to do it again even though you know it's a filthy lie?

You ever feel that you were somebody's punching bag, that you were used up and just tossed aside time and again but still didn't walk away because you stupidly held on, hoping they would see this time, what they're doing to you only to have them do it all over again?

You ever feel like you've bent over backwards to help a friend, to make everything better for them even while ignoring your own personal issues only to basically be told to get lost?

You ever give advice until you're blue in the face to help someone going through a rough time, only to have them completely ignore you, to tell you you're wrong?

You ever pick up the pieces to someone's broken heart to watch their pain and struggle, to hurt for them, to want to cry for them to do everything you can to cheer them up, only for them to go right back to do it again?

You ever feel like just maybe you've given your everything and you're far too afraid to give anymore because you don't want to be trampled on again, even though they're swearing up and down it will be different this time?

You ever feel that something is holding you back from trusting again because you can only take so much until you crack under it all?

Yeah, me neither....

A letter for my Nieces and Nephews

Dear Nieces and Nephews:

It's my birthday and with the arrival of the latest Niece, I wanted to write something to you.

You are young, you have your whole lives ahead of you, you have your whole childhoods which will be full of fun, laughter, some tears but LOTS of love from everyone around you. One thing you will NEVER lack is love because every single one of your family loves you more than you'll ever know.

But there will be some bumps in the road as you grow up and sometimes you won't know what to do but no matter what those bumps are, how big they are, you will get over them, you will succeed at whatever you put your mind to because you are part your Fathers and part your Mothers and they are all strong and wonderful people. I should know, I've known your Dads all my life and when they met your Moms it wasn't hard to see how beautiful, strong and wonderful they were either.

The world is a wonderful place and I want you to embrace it all, love it, enjoy it, soak it in and do whatever makes you happy in life. All that matters is your happiness but no matter how much any of us try, we won't be able to shield you from the parts of the world that are cruel. Not everything is beautiful but if you can find the part that is, hold on to it. Don't turn away from the ugly part of it because you need it to learn, to grow, to become an even better person.

You will meet people who are less than wonderful, you're growing up in age where bullying grows worse, where it's so easy to hide behind a computer screen and cyber bully someone. Where people harm themselves and even end their lives because of the cruel words and actions of others. I want to say ignore it, to look past it and move on but it's not always that simple, trust me I know. Just remember, they bully you because they feel awful about themselves and they want to bring themselves up, I know that too. You are worth so much more than the words they'll say to you or write to you. Take it with a grain of salt, remember everyone who does love you and keep going.

When you grow up, fall in love, love with everything you are. You might end up with a broken heart but we all need to experience love as well as heartache. Don't let it make you jaded, don't let it close your heart off to future love, no matter how much it hurts. One day you WILL love again,  I promise you that.

Go to school for something you love, not what everyone thinks you should do. Why learn something you hate only to have a job you hate? Do something that makes you happy. Whether it's being a Doctor, a Lawyer, an Actor, a Pro Football player, heck, even a Pro Wrestler. If it makes you happy, that's all that matters. If it takes you years to figure it out, it's okay. There isn't always a clear path, it takes some of us longer to figure it out and that's okay too. Just don't get too disheartened and if you do, come talk to me and ask me how long it took.

Know that no matter what happens, we will always be there for you, I will always be there for you. I never thought it possible to love someone so much as when I held each of you in my arms and I will do everything in my power to protect you, to look after you, to help you achieve each and every single dream that you have. The sky is the limit for you. Reach for the sky because even if you miss, you'll still be amongst the stars. Cliches' you will hear all through your life but they're true. You can do anything you put your minds too, you can achieve whatever you want.

And when you do, your Auntie will be there cheering you on, supporting you and above all else, loving you.


Love forever and Always,
Your Auntie.

The world is a little darker...

I was her Princess. Only two people were allowed to call me that and she was one. I was her Princess and she was my Auntie Mags.

I had just posted on her wall last night making fun of Twilight as I know how much she adores it when I recieved a message. I thought it was a joke. A cruel, horrible, thoughtless joke because there was no way it could be real. How could it be real? How could one of the sweetest souls I have ever come across be taken away? It made no sense.

But it wasn't a joke, it wasn't some horrible awful nightmare because when I woke up, the news was still there.

The world is a bit darker today. and even now, there are clouds outside and i'm waiting for it to rain, it seems as though it should be.

I have forged many friendships online. I have met so many wonderful people and have found myself closer to them then a lot of people not online. In this day and age, that's how it is with most people and no one bats an eyelash at it. Maggie was one of those wonderful friendships I found. I always promised her that when I was allowed back in the States I would come visit her and it hurts to say that won't be happening now.

she was so sweet and full of love and during times when I didn't hear from her, I would ask her why. Especially if something was wrong why didn't she talk to me and her response was that she never wanted to bug anyone. She always worried that she was a nuisance to people but it was never the case and just one look at her facebook page shows that everyone else felt the same way.
Maggie Mae

I met her online through either a wrestling group or a writing group. We did share those in common and no matter what she always had an encouraging word for anyone. I would talk to her online, sometimes hours at a time, especially when things were rough and she would never let me give up on myself or the situation. She listened, actually listened and always had advice to offer.

We exchanged snail mail christmas cards and I never do that with anyone.

Ugh there is no way I'm going to get through this whole blog at one time. 

And I was right, I couldn't...i mean, I had to finish this days later...

I'm not big on the whole crying thing but I spent 2 day's bawling my eyes out over this and yet at the same time, it's Auntie Mags, she'd want to know why I was crying over this.
I don't think she realized how loved she was, I don't think anyone had ever said a bad word against her and it's very rare to meet someone like that nowadays. It really is.

I remember she used to send me pictures of her meeting different wrestlers and asked if I met them and what they were like. If she told me I was meeting someone I knew, she would go up to them and talk about me. or even tell someone I didn't know that her niece was training. she was just so darn proud of me. When moms, (luna) said she was making a Desiree Brent hoody (limited edition for the few who wanted them ;) lol) and Auntie Mags was one of the first people to want one.... Now I kinda want to get that done... even if it's just the one, just for her.

I've struggled with getting my wrestling career started because I'm so accident prone. I've been frustrated on so many levels and she was there whenever I needed to vent and I always left with a smile. her unwavering faith in me and what I was capable of was something I will NEVER forget.

Ugh... I know i can go on and on for pages talking about the wonderful woman that will be sorely missed and never forgotten. But really, what more can I say about her that everyone doesn't already know.

The world lost someone super special... a lot of people lost a wonderful friend.

I'm going to go listen to Jessie's girl on repeat and remember the lovely woman that has touched so many hearts.

Auntie Mags, you'll be forever with us, we will never forget you, we will always love you...

Love always,
Your Princess.

what hurts the most...

i have a question...
How does one person put their life back together. or some semblance of being put back together.?

Let me back up here...
I don't write here often , yeah i get that and when I do, it's usually when i'm at a breaking point and need to get everything off my chest.
I don't know what point i'm at right now... I think I'm at the point where I just kind of want to live again, if that makes any sense...

and the hard part is.... i don't know if i know how to... sounds stupid, right? but it is.. I spent the last 16 months spiralling downwards, deeper and further into depression. It's hereditary. in case you didn't know. Bi polar disorder. and i feel i spent the last 16 months on the down part of it. And it's left me with anxiety and i've had panic attacks and it's just been hellacious.

Depression, bi polar, the whole likes of it is mentally and physically crippling... a lot of people don't get that, a lot of people don't understand and it's hard trying to get ppl to understand. I've had ppl say, ok, i'm gonna give you one more chance don't fuck this up, or stop making up excuses... and sure perhaps they seem that way to you.. but this is a mental illness. one that i can't just get over. I take 3 different kinds of medication just to help me feel normal but sometimes it's not enough....

i wrote this in my support group

so i was diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago when I was 21. though I've known since I was 14 as it's a hereditary thing. but now.. it's been 15 months since I was laid off from my job, in a car accident that messed up my back and basically kept me out of a lot of activities, including wrestling, which was the one thing that was holding me together. i slowly spiraled downwards an it took 9 months for my doctor to realize that i was worse off, even though i kept telling him i was. but now, 15 months later, i sit here and look back on everything and just feel so disconnected with the world. I have isolated myself from anyone and everyone who mattered and most of them don't have a clue about what I go through, so how do i explain it? How do i put my life back together again? How do i join the real world again? the task seems so daunting and so scary and i just don't know what to do

That's completely true.... i don't know where to begin, how to talk to people, what to say without breaking down, and anyone who knows me at all knows how much i HATE to cry...
yet.. no one really gets that even though i seem fine on the outside i'm really not.
I try to like, never leave the house anymore.
My cousin, who seems to understand will drag me outta the house once in awhile. once a month, i go to a wrestling show and I know there will be a lot of ppl there, i know ppl will want to talk to me and that I have a job to do and I'm okay with that, i get that because no matter how i feel, I still want to be there, there's just something that feels so.. right and I do love it... It's just the GETTING there that's the hard part. I swear it take me days, perhaps weeks to psych myself out and talk myself into it. I know I'll be fine, i like, KNOW that... but i'm still scared and it makes no sense right? when I'm there I'm fine... it's just making myself go!

one thing about depression... it rarely if ever makes sense.
Someone who seemingly has everything and seemingly has nothing to be depressed about CAN be...
thats another thing about depression... you don't need a reason to be depressed.

there's a chemical imbalance in me in case you still don't get it. I don't have a choice in any of this, i just need to work hard on balancing myself out... and it's an uphill battle everyday. and now that i'm finally feeling like i could breath again and i'm not being crushed by the weight of everything, I need to figure out how exactly to put everything back together.
How do i tell everyone that I've isolated what's been going on?
How do I tell everyone that theres a reason I haven't seemed like myself over the past year?
How do i explain it all?

It's really hard because I'm afraid people won't understand. I'm afraid they will shun me. I'm just afraid of opening up and speaking about it. It's a super scary thing.

I don't know what changed and made me decide it's time to be part of the world again. Am i happy? Not my happiest but Happier than I was 3, 6, 12, 16 months ago, yes. Why? well maybe part of it is the doctor switching my meds around. lol
Part of it is, back in the summer, a relationship that was emotionally damaging ended. and did i stay a part of this relationship because i was so depressed and thought i needed SOMETHING to hang onto? I dunno, all it did was hurt me more. I was lied to, i was made to feel stupid, there was fighting like everyday and it was just not healthy. So yeah, i finally reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. did i love him? yeah, i really did, but it was hurting us both more to be together. I know that now.


I got asked the question in my support group today about who or what's there when you need them.

there have been TWO major factors that have really helped. Paris, My dog. I got her in June and we are... bonded like you wouldn't believe. She is my constant companion and even now is cuddled up into my side because she always has that need for physical contact. I'm not like that. i'm not overly affectionate. But having her there, like that, has helped immensely. Dogs have unconditional love. their love is like nothing else in this world and it's true. no matter what, no matter who you are, they love you, they wll always love you and when you need someone, something, just to hug when everything has gone to hell, they are there. Even when I cry, my dad's dog, Casey, he gets upset and comes over and climbs onto my lap until i'm better. sometimes that's all you need, No talking, just the comfort of someone or something there.

Another reason, there's...a guy... now before the questions start about the who's what where when and why's. I'm not getting into it. i'm not talking to anyone about him. thats it, that's all, so don't bother... it's not even like the way you're thinking. he was my friend and it just grew into something more and this time it's different. It's not like it has been before in the way that it's all powerful, all consuming, i'm blinded by everything kind of thing.
It was more of a slow thing that just kinda built up til one day i stopped and was like oh my fucking god, what just happened? and not in a bad way either.
he doesn't do anything overly special, besides be himself :) he's just.... there.... we talk, he makes me laugh, he make me feel better about it and he just gets me.
We're not like.. together or anything but i did feel he was worth mentioning, cuz you know what? he made the last half of 2011 bareable. I didn't have to talk to him about my moods or how i was feeling, i would just need to talk to him and it was like...yeah.. i'm okay, I can do this....

I know i have some people that will be all, you know i'm here, blah blah blah. and i thank you for that. I really do, but mentioning Paris and my friend. she gives me love and affection well he gives me love to. but without him even knowing there is something wrong, he just SAYS something and it makes everything better... i dunno if he will read this but if he does. THank you. thank you so so much.

To everyone who's been patient with me, thank you to you as well.
For those who don't quite get it. go ahead and ask me questions. if i can i will answer them. if not, i'll do that little half smile and shrug thing that I do so well when i'm trying to avoid answering lol.

i'm still unsure about where to start really. how to even go about all this. Taking that first step is the hardest right? I don't know if this is the first step or if i got to figure out what it is still and maybe after rereading this tomorrow, i might have a better grasp on things.

Or maybe someone else out there has some advice?

I think it's time to put my life back together and live, learn, love and laugh. it's not going to be easy and sometimes i'm prolly gonna give up or awhile but i'm just tired. Tired of feeling the way i do, tired of seeing just a black hole in front of me. I'm tired of feeling like i'm standing on the edge of a cliff and trying my hardest not to fall over it.

but again....

Where the hell do i start?

Lift up the receiver, I'll make you a believer

Well, well, well... here we are again.... and WHAT exactly would i have to say today? I know, a lot of people are probably cringing, waiting for the oh woe is me, fuck my life shit.... sorry to disappoint you kiddies, but i don't play that way anymore.

So thus hear marks a new chapter of my life. Yawn! how boring! who hasn't heard that before, right?
I agree but I have the spent the last couple weeks coming to terms with a lot of things in my life. So read on and learn with me... cuz this is only the beginning and it's only going to get better from here...

~My baby bro just got married. Love my new sister, loved the wedding, did my first keg stand, talk about classy eh? but i decided to give myself one last hurrah cuz its my bro's wedding before i decided that was it... more to come on that..

~I missed 2 wrestling shows this weekend cuz of my bro's wedding. TWO!!!! it hurts :( lol, i'm jk... yeah it sucks i wasn't there but it was my bro's wedding, I'm sure i was missed though.. i mean I'm really good at pressing the play button for entrance music... REALLY GOOD!!!!!!

~I miss wrestling with all that I am. like it's a physical ache to not be able to do anything and i've been tired of it for awhile but now it's just been pushed too far and a fire has been lit under my ass and it's time to fix it all up and take the world by storm.

~I'm changed, that's all i can say. if you don't like it, oh well, i'm done caring.

~Right now, it's all about me. I'm focusing on myself, i'm worrying just about myself, it's just ME. and no one is going to change this...it''s been a long fucking time since i've been this focused so don't think that anyone or anything can change this cuz you know what? you cant! i'm TOO focused this time and i plan to keep it this way.

~i said earlier, i'm straight up now. It's a personal choice that I"VE made so i can take time to focus on me. Yes that means no more drinking(i didn't do that a lot but when i did, oh boy was i good at it) yes that means no drugs (not that i did really anyways, but you get what i'm saying, right?) and no more other things that i won't get into right now but i know it and that's all that matters.

~I've been told that I have the worst luck ever and this is now my response to it.... FUCK THAT!!!! this whole called luck thing is no longer a factor in my life because it's a whole new ball game now. One where i say fuck that stupid thing called Luck, i make my own way now...

~I know what i have to do now, i know what i have to work towards and it's going to be done. I was feeling like it was all too late now, that there really isn't much of a point. But one person turned that all around, reminded me that it wasn't over and i could still do whatever i wanted. Who says i can't? and even if someone does say that, who am i to listen? why should i listen? Why can't i say fuck it all and go do what i know i'm damn well capable of.

Don't count me out of the game yet because i'm not done, not by a long shot...


Listening to: Marilyn Manson- Personal Jesus

if you love someone let them go...

i dunno, i always felt-

if you want something, or someone and you think it/they're worth it... then you do EVERYTHING in your power to show that you think it/they are...you ignore the haters, you ignore what everyone tells you and you show the world just how much you think it/they are worth it. but maybe thats me and maybe that's my problem...maybe that's ALWAYS been my problem and why nothing just ever works out..

cuz when i finally decide that something is worth it.. and i don't make a decision lightly, i don't just jump into things... i need reason, i need to be shown that it's worth a shot... but once i believe it, i give it my all... i give it everything...

But as always, i'm the only one...

I've gone through so many emotions the past little while... at first, i felt ignored, cuz i was, then i was angry, because i was being ignored and pushed away, so when i push back, i'm told it;s over... cuz guess what, it's not worth it!!!!

it's like..... my opinions, my feelings don't matter and when i point that out ... i'm selfish, apparently i only want my opinion to matter... PLEASE, i JUST want to be heard... i want to be listened to.. i want my feelings to be taken into account...

i HATE putting my all into something, which everyone very well knows i did and then just have it all thrown in my face...

you have the gall to call me selfish?? please, go look in the mirror... do it. start learning to accept some blame cuz it does NOT lie solely on me.... and you know that and that's why it pisses you off so much and i get blamed for everything...

But i'm done being the scape goat, i'm done being your door mat... i'm done feeling like i don't matter, that everything i've done was for naught.

so while you're sitting there believing you're much better off, start thinking that this wasn't just all about me... THINK about everything i've done, was willing to do, then think about why, just why am i so upset... go ahead do it... or... you can just get mad at me again and say it's all my fault...

hells ya, i'm pissed, i'm really pissed off... i've told you i've gone through every emotion possible... what is it like the seven stages of healing, denial, anger, grief, acceptance, a bunch of others... guess what.. i've done them ALL... and i'm entitled to it... i'm not being childish or some pissy little drama queen, it's called being Human.. all humans do it... and to tell me i'm acting like that is just cuz you don't want to deal with it... i mean, i don't blame you, i don't want to either.. but that's LIFE!!!...

I feel abandoned too...seriously.. in my life the shit hit the fan all this stuff came falling down on me and it got too tough so it''s kind of like.. SEE YA!!!! so yeah on this end, it looks like i was just abandoned. even if i'm wrong.. the timing sure as hell was good, wasn't it... ?

I know it seems like i'm NOT but i am ready and TRYING to move on... it's when you appear and are getting jealous about certain things and then the next day tell me to move on.... it fucks with my head...

i might be ready to move on but can i date... ? i don't know.. i've been asked out a few times already in the past couple weeks... once by a girl even... and i'm really tempted with her.... i have no idea what that means lol... but everyone's been nothing but nice and sweet and caring... and THERE for me... something you haven't been before you said goodbye... which is true...

Yeah, i know i'm coming off a bitchy at times... but really, my mind is going through so much and i'm thinking about everything thats happened and above all else, i'm hurt.. i'm really fucking hurt... i don't fall in love often, but when i do, i fall hard and i give it my all... and i did that... i stupidly did that because inside, in my gut, i KNOW what's worth it and what's possible, i just do! i have great intuition but now, all of a sudden you don't want to believe in my gut feelings or intuition, even if yo don't believe it, that doesn't mean it's not there... it won't go away...

Neither will the hurt i feel... at least not right away... over time, ya. cuz thats life...

and perhaps writing this, venting out all my frustrations is what i need...

so ya... time to move on... ppl get it,ppl understand how i'm feeling and what i'm going through and they're patient enough to give me that time and let me know they're still interested and wanting to be with me... i'm just tired of giving my all into something and getting maybe HALF of it back... so.. i dunno... i feel bad that next time, i just can't put my all into it cuz i'm tired of getting burned...

I don't know.. i'm prolly gonna go back and read this and half of it wont make sense but i just needed to write and get all my frustration out...

call me bitch, call me dramatic, call me childish, call me a drama queen, call me whatever the fuck you want... but why are you calling me that??? cuz it's true and i AM, or cuz what i said has some smidgeon of truth to it? I'm not even Trying to be any of those things, i'm hurt, i'm angry, i'm frustrated and i don't understand a lot of things...and maybe i need some closure...

But at the end of the day, if i need to write it out, i'm allowed too, freedom of speech and all that jazz... plus the name up top IS my name... or one of them lol...

I don't know... i just don't know anymore...