A+B= volatile!

i'm going to go on a rant and quite frankly, idc, it's my blog.

See, I have this friend, love them dearly but this friend let's call them A, is in a volatile relationship and it pisses me off. A likes B, they were even together until a bunch of stuff happened between them and whatever, not the issue. A was really gutted over it, heartbroken and I was there to pick up the pieces. But A got it in their head that A could win B back. which is fine, I mean, if you love someone you want to be with them, trust me, I get it. I mean, I bent over backwards to try and find a way for Thomas and I to work, even though he lives in Texas for god sakes... TEXAS!!!! what in the frilly heck was i thinking? But I digress, back to A and B.
So A thought that by changing pretty much every aspect of their life, B would take A seriously and take A back. This included finding a very good, possible start of a career job, (which I'm all for, I mean one has to think of their future,) giving up on something A loved but says they can't love anymore because it's meaningless without B, and basically doing everything A feels is "mature" and would impress B.
You know, there's nothing wrong with making changes in one's life, my issue is the whole making changes for all the wrong reasons. A claims that their life will be better, it will win B back, blah blah bliddy blah. I'm sure A's life will be better... right now.... but will A be happy? probably not down the road and that's what bugs me.
I like to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, see all possibilities because life is full of different possibilities. A is completely focused on one thing and one thing only, can you guess what? you're right, it's B.
you know that whole Love is blind crap? yeah, well it's true. Love blinds you to everything. Love screws you up in oh so many fucking ways, I just don't have enough time in the world to go through it all. I sound super bitter, right? the funny thing is, I'm not. I've been in love a few times and it's amazing, it's wonderful. The heartbreak, not so much but i wouldn't trade any of it. You need to fall in love, you do. everyone should experience it and in my opinion, more than once because each time you fall in love and have your heart broken, it shapes you, it makes you a better person as most any experiences do. It's not to say the heartbreak sucks because it does and oh my god does it hurt. A hurt I never want to experience again but am sure I will. The thing is, I don't fall very often but when I do, I fall hard and I give my everything to it. Every part of my being and I dunno, I feel that's not neccesarily the best thing to do but I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of person. I mean, hello, I have a tattoo on me that says all or nothing in gaelic. yeah, I know, can it be more in my face.

I have this feeling that A is the same way if this whole situation is any indication and has been going on for what... over 6 months? more? i don't know. but it's obvious that Love is blinding A. even when B hurt A so much, A still made excuses, that it wasn't B's fault... umm what? B just did something that hurt you ten times worse than what you supposedly did to them and you're making excuses for them? how is that right?
But heaven forbid I say anything because by me saying anything at all, i'm either a bitter old hag, or I just can't be happy for someone, or my absolute favorite, I'm in love with A. I know, people are automatically thinking A is a guy but don't be so sure. that's all I'm saying. there's a reason I dont clarify which gender A or B is.
And really, any of the above 3 just pisses me off. I'm pissed, beyond anything about it. let me clarify this. 1) I'm not THAT bitter, sheesh, I just have a lot more experience in this game called love. everyone is different but come on!!! I've been there. One of my exes slept with a girl, ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! and I justified it somehow. I fricking justified and tried to make us work... a whole... what, nother year?. another ex used to come home reeking of perfume and shit and I still justified it... your mind does fucked up things when you love someone and don't want to lose them. 2) I can be happy for  people. In fact, I'm happy for A LOT of people but it's funny how the one time you're not happy about a situation, you're kind of a bitch. and 3) I like A??? Seriously? Let's get one thing straight, even if there was a chance or time of me liking A, it would be gone, poof, out the window, while watching A fawn all over B and in some cases, making a complete idiot of themselves.
Oh i'm sorry, am I being a little harsh? perhaps. but again, my blog. And the chance that someone figures out who either A or B is or that even one of them reads this and even figure out it's one of them, well... know this... chances are, every third party agrees with me, it's not exactly quiet news what's going on with you two and if you realize it's you... I've been holding this back for a long time because, I'm not allowed to give an opinion... so I'll do what I do best... write my opinion. Honestly, I'm tired of walking on eggshells, having to watch everything I say because if I say one thing, you don't like, you say things about, hey as long as I'm happy and why can't you be happy for me, or you don't know what you're talking about and, I'm not listening to you.

so A's been busy trying to win B back but I'm hearing conflicting stories about B. Either, not wanting to be won back, or trying hard to just keep A as a friend, which isn't really working if what A has been saying is any indication. In A's mind, they are THIS close to getting back together. A almost has 'won'. But this is how I see it and B, I'm sorry if I'm wrong cuz I love you dearly too but B has the best of both worlds. B has a sort of... significant other... whenever one is needed, well for anything but at the same time, B is still single and can mingle if they so choose, even though A swears up and down that B isn't/won't. but.... B is single, so really, it's not A's business if B does or not. amiright? B doesn't even have to tell A anything if B so chooses. But that's not how A sees it.
and yeah, although it's out of my hand, I can't do anything, mind my own business blah blah blah, I get it okay, I'm still invested. Why? cuz they're my friends for one and also because I'm the one always picking up the pieces of A's broken heart whenever there is a setback. So it upsets me, who wouldn't it upset but still, A doesn't get why it would or should bug me, why I can't be just as elated as they are. Because I'm like, a 3rd party, I don't have those loving feelings that have them blinded. I have a bigger picture view and I can't help but groan and think. What the fuck, seriously, what the fuck are you thinking/doing? or, okay, you're fine now, but in a month's time, I'm going to be right beside you again, watching you drink yourself into oblivion and letting you cry out your broken heart.
It's gotten to the point where I want to say, I don't care, I just don't care anymore. And sometimes I don't because I'm tired of watching A get hurt but the next day justifying what B might have done and working on getting B back. But othertimes I have to stop and ask something, like why are you still doing this? Why are you putting yourself through this. And A will reply with their reasoning and always end it with 'hey, but at least Im happy.' and the cynic in me silently finishes that with yeah, but for how much longer? instead, I grit my teeth and always say something like, yeah, I'm glad you're happy or yeah, I'm happy for you. when I want nothing more than to grab A's shoulder and shake them until they get it, until they understand. this is volatile. this will lead to nothing good. BOTH of you are only setting yourself up for heartache.
But I can't... and all that's going to happen is I'm going to sit here with my bottle of JD and wait until i get that call again and swoop in for the rescue because that's the kind of person i am. even if A shits all over our friendship sometimes.

Whatever can I mean by that? truthfully and I'm not being full of myself, I'm a great friend. I will do anything for them. I have done lots, Ive been there when no one else has, I've gone to rescue them when stranded, amongst tonnes of other things I can't really say without giving identities away. But it's not always returned. A would like to say yes, it is but doing one thing for me does not make up for all I've done to help or whatever. this isn't a who's a better friend thing, I'm just saying there has to be give and take on both sides... not give mostly on one side and give... once in awhile on the other...
sitting here, thinking about it reminds me of a situation in high school. When I was in grade 11, my friends and I started hanging out with a group of grade 10 guys... I liked one of them, like a lot. His names Adam. my friends knew but it turned out Adam liked Sam and when she turned him down, he went after Steph. I mean, in high school, it was total taboo to go after a guy your friend like but steph began dating him, much to my chagrin but I dealt with it and we all hung out all the time (this has nothing to do with the current situation but i'm setting it up, shush) anywho, right before summer started, Steph broke up with Adam, and he was beyond heartbroken. He was so head over heels for steph and somehow, I ended up being the one Adam came to for help with his broken heart.... I've always been the 'listener' of the group, so to speak so Adam needed someone to talk to and he invited me over to talk (that's all we did. I never made out with him or anything, which, a part of me is glad about... ) So that summer, Adam and I started hanging out a lot. It was my first summer being able to drive and having a car so Adam and I did A LOT. I was there, A LOT. his parents were the sweetest, we had fun... at least I did, at first.. but soon Adam started wanting certain things from me and I would bend over backwards to make my friend happy. Drove him everywhere, did everything for him... take him to movies but soon I started realizing, everything he had me start doing, led back to Steph... He even had me come out to see him (we didn't live near each other) drive back to Steph's house, then basically told me to bugger off as he tried to win Steph back. I was hurt, I was so fucking hurt. Here I was, doing everything possible for this guy as a friend and he just couldn't care two shits about me. and worst, he didn't get why this upset me. why I was hurt. He was using me and eventually when his and Steph's reconciliation would hit a rough patch, he would use me to make her jealous. One point, she came up to me and said, so Adam says you still like him and you guys hold hands and stuff... how could you do this to me.... I was floored... I mean, how? what in the? seriously? I probably looked like a fish out of water, my mouth opening and closing.

So while not ALL is the same, I see some parallel's and it's making me nervous... I didn't even get a happy birthday on my birthday because A was so entranced with B and A couldn't see why I was pissed. A doesn't get why I get pissed when they blow off our plans for B or just... anything.. .this is a friendship and it shouldn't be one sided...

Wow, so i totally ranted all over the place... i just... arghhh... I'm at my wits end...

here's the thing, A I want you to be Happy, your happiness is the most important thing to me and right now, you think that means with B. but because of everyhing... that happiness is temporary, I don't think you can be happy like this forever. trying to find someone who wants to wholeheartedly be with you, who loves you for you, that's what matters. Who knows, maybe B is it but not right now. and you will never find out unless you give each other that space. It's going to hurt, a lot but one day, you'll wake up and it will be a little easier and it will keep getting easier but you can never get there if you don't give yourself the chance. Hate me all you want, blame it on me. but me saying this doesn't make it any less true. this isn't about me being bitter, being a bitch or not being able to be happy for you, this isn't about me liking you because let's face it, how could I fall for someone who doesn't quite get the value of our friendship. You say you do but you don't really because truth is, there;s gonna come a time, even though you say it never will when B will tell you not be friends with me and you will drop me in a heartbeat because for some reason B is sure I like you, WHICH I DON"T, in case B reads it and B better not think I like you cuz you're pulling the shit adam pulled and trying to make B jealous cuz if that was ever true, I would walk away and not come back.

I give ALL to all my relationships, whether it be with Love or with Friendship. I don't do it very often, I very rarely let people in and I'm fine with that. I'm an introvert through and through, I like being alone, I prefer it but once in awhile, someone comes along and I let them in. I let them see the real me. So when it gets to the point where I have to question just how one sided everything is, I'm already beyond hurt because I have that doubt in me.

Did I make a mistake?

Or am I just an idiot?

You ever....?

You ever hit that moment where half of you wants to cry, when it feels like your heart's been stomped on and you're left kneeling in the dirt, picking it up and dusting it off trying to tell it that it's okay and you promise never to do it again even though you know it's a filthy lie?

You ever feel that you were somebody's punching bag, that you were used up and just tossed aside time and again but still didn't walk away because you stupidly held on, hoping they would see this time, what they're doing to you only to have them do it all over again?

You ever feel like you've bent over backwards to help a friend, to make everything better for them even while ignoring your own personal issues only to basically be told to get lost?

You ever give advice until you're blue in the face to help someone going through a rough time, only to have them completely ignore you, to tell you you're wrong?

You ever pick up the pieces to someone's broken heart to watch their pain and struggle, to hurt for them, to want to cry for them to do everything you can to cheer them up, only for them to go right back to do it again?

You ever feel like just maybe you've given your everything and you're far too afraid to give anymore because you don't want to be trampled on again, even though they're swearing up and down it will be different this time?

You ever feel that something is holding you back from trusting again because you can only take so much until you crack under it all?

Yeah, me neither....

A letter for my Nieces and Nephews

Dear Nieces and Nephews:

It's my birthday and with the arrival of the latest Niece, I wanted to write something to you.

You are young, you have your whole lives ahead of you, you have your whole childhoods which will be full of fun, laughter, some tears but LOTS of love from everyone around you. One thing you will NEVER lack is love because every single one of your family loves you more than you'll ever know.

But there will be some bumps in the road as you grow up and sometimes you won't know what to do but no matter what those bumps are, how big they are, you will get over them, you will succeed at whatever you put your mind to because you are part your Fathers and part your Mothers and they are all strong and wonderful people. I should know, I've known your Dads all my life and when they met your Moms it wasn't hard to see how beautiful, strong and wonderful they were either.

The world is a wonderful place and I want you to embrace it all, love it, enjoy it, soak it in and do whatever makes you happy in life. All that matters is your happiness but no matter how much any of us try, we won't be able to shield you from the parts of the world that are cruel. Not everything is beautiful but if you can find the part that is, hold on to it. Don't turn away from the ugly part of it because you need it to learn, to grow, to become an even better person.

You will meet people who are less than wonderful, you're growing up in age where bullying grows worse, where it's so easy to hide behind a computer screen and cyber bully someone. Where people harm themselves and even end their lives because of the cruel words and actions of others. I want to say ignore it, to look past it and move on but it's not always that simple, trust me I know. Just remember, they bully you because they feel awful about themselves and they want to bring themselves up, I know that too. You are worth so much more than the words they'll say to you or write to you. Take it with a grain of salt, remember everyone who does love you and keep going.

When you grow up, fall in love, love with everything you are. You might end up with a broken heart but we all need to experience love as well as heartache. Don't let it make you jaded, don't let it close your heart off to future love, no matter how much it hurts. One day you WILL love again,  I promise you that.

Go to school for something you love, not what everyone thinks you should do. Why learn something you hate only to have a job you hate? Do something that makes you happy. Whether it's being a Doctor, a Lawyer, an Actor, a Pro Football player, heck, even a Pro Wrestler. If it makes you happy, that's all that matters. If it takes you years to figure it out, it's okay. There isn't always a clear path, it takes some of us longer to figure it out and that's okay too. Just don't get too disheartened and if you do, come talk to me and ask me how long it took.

Know that no matter what happens, we will always be there for you, I will always be there for you. I never thought it possible to love someone so much as when I held each of you in my arms and I will do everything in my power to protect you, to look after you, to help you achieve each and every single dream that you have. The sky is the limit for you. Reach for the sky because even if you miss, you'll still be amongst the stars. Cliches' you will hear all through your life but they're true. You can do anything you put your minds too, you can achieve whatever you want.

And when you do, your Auntie will be there cheering you on, supporting you and above all else, loving you.


Love forever and Always,
Your Auntie.