ppl wanna know why my blogs seem so... blah and down all the time... cuz i'm not always like that... perhaps, once in awhile, everything gets too much, so yeah, i'm gonna let it out...
i'm tired of bending over backwards to help ppl, to do stuff for ppl, to do what i can to make things easier for them, and when i do, it's... i'm taking advantage of and i realized i'm just too pathetic to let it go otherwise... and that's pretty pathetic too...
I'm tired of feeling so let down all the time..
I'm tired of being the one who always fights for us and when i become unsure for awhile, you so readily agree... and it's weird how much it hurts... how painful it is, even if i was the one who instigated it... maybe deep inside i didn't want an agreement, maybe i wanted to hear, no i don't agree... i dunno, maybe i did... cuz it hurts like hell, so thats why i think that... But either way its happened and this time i do plan to deal with it... cuz i'm tired of being the only one who fights so hard... if that makes sense...
but more than anything, i feel so lost, i don't know where to go now... what to do.... but i think thats just my life in general and how i've been feeling all day...
I feel trapped. i mean i had a plan, something i was working towards, and in a heartbeat, it's gone... a part of me thought that no matter what it would still be there, it was still doable, but than i was told nope, not anymore...
what do you do when no one believes in you anymore... ?
i'm rethinking my whole life, i fucking HATE that...
maybe i'm just crashing so badly from drinking so much?? you know how you're not supposed to drink whileon anti-depressants cuz when you do, it's like TOO much of a good thing and then you end up crashing really badly... thats me right now...
so what happens in a day or two when i'm normal again and realized i fucked up... Will it even matter? i don't know...
note to self: quit drinking... well i rarely drink anyways but perhaps i shouldn't drink THAT MUCH anymore... ?
I know you're going to read this.. perhaps even be pissed off at me for some things I have said... but i hope i'm just crashing... i hope i'm completely wrong about everything, that it's all in my head and you tell me that as well...
I wish you would tell me i'm wrong, that i'm wrong to think it, to feel it... and you don't agree with what i said...
i wish you would tell me you still believe in me and tell me to keep working to my goal cuz you still think i should be there and not here....
or am i just too completely insanely stupid??
:(
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