I can't use what I can't abuse....

Part deux...

remember how i was all over the place.. still kinda going on... hmmm

• everything happens for a reason. everything. right? so why fight it? why not except it? maybe because deep down in your gut, you know this isn't right, that this can't be the way... right? what if you're fooling yourself....
• my W key isn't working properly, so i might miss some W's
• when did my life become a great big ball of suckish? and when did i let it bother me so much? i don't know.. i'm trying to figure it out, i'm so confused....
• what happens, when the first person who totally believed in you and what your capable of finally gives up? like how am i supposed to react? how am i supposed to feel? is it a frickin wonder i'm so down on myself?... it gets better... what do you do when, just a little while later, the person who just believed in you as a whole, the person who was your sun, your reason, your everything, just gives up on you in general? how do you react then? how are you supposed to feel then? some may claim that's not the case, that they haven't given up... but... in a way... they did..
• i'm not perfect, i'm far from perfect... i have my flaws... actually i'm pretty sure more flaws than not... i'm kind just realizing that... i mean, i always knew i was far from perfect but i didn't realize how many flaws actually existed, or how to fix them... i feel like certain...events... some tragic (no, i'm not exaggerating) have messed me up beyond belief... and i can't just be normal... and i have a tendency to screw up anything and everything...
• i also have a tendency to take all the blame on myself, cuz i mean, if i screw up once, everything somehow ends up being all my fault, and i'm the one left begging for one more try, begging to not give up...
• i'm so gonna get yelled at for this but i really wish they would try... jut TRY and see it from my side... see how i'm feeling, ask why i feel this way..
• i had 2 panic attacks today, count em, 2.... somethings not right there, but i had to keep my mouth shut... well moreso, i put what was going on aside, to deal with more pressing matters at the moment... but the fact of the matter is, it was frickin scary.... like i... well if you've had panic attacks you know... now have them close together... *shudders*
• i'm gonna be in so much trouble.. sigh... but.. i don't have an outlet, i don't have anyone to talk to... and this is all just... pretty vague...
• cheerleading is big right now an it's giving me wonderful, wonderful ideas...
• today... i was hurt so much... i felt like i had gone 5 years in the past and was with my ex again. horrible things were said to me and for a while... i was that girl again, i was that scared little girl, who believed it all and didn't know better and it scared me and it made me feel awful... and i still do... i think that's what brought on the first panic attack...
• i did a lot of wrong but a lot of wrong was done to me...
• i don't know what to do anymore. i'm lost. i'm not looking for a pity party, i'm nto wanting everyone to feel sorry for me, i'm just being honest, i just need to get so much out right now and i dunno who to talk to... or what to do... i'm so pathetic...
• i just watched Hellcats, the ending made me cry... wait what hasn't today?
• and thus ends my thoughts for now...

except... Some people have seen you at your worst and left you, the ones who stay are the ones who deserve you.

I can't stop when it comes to you

my mind is in a billion places so this will be scattered... i'll do a bullet points system but it will jump around a lot, you have been warned...

• isn't it amazing how in one instant your whole perspective can change? how one comment from someone can change everything?
• How do you trust anyone in this world? It's Human Nature to lie... Everyone lies. so how do you take the blind leap of faith to trust someone... and what do you do when that trust is shattered? Can you walk away? What if you know you have to but you're just not strong enough to? what does that say about you?
• I've been hit with super bad luck. I'm told at least once a day I have the worst luck ever. I was in a car accident on Sept. 29th. It hurt my back pretty bad.... Jan. 29... yes 4 months to the day, i was in another one.... since the first one, i've been struggling, trying to regain my footing and the second one happened and i just felt like saying, fine Life, you win, i give up and i wanted more than anything to just quit caring cuz i was so tired of it just being one thing after another... ya know? Obviously i told Life to go to hell and save me a seat...
• Have you ever wondered if you're just doing more harm to someone than good...
• Do i sound like i'm having major issues? perhaps major self esteem problems
• thoughts are planted in your mind and try as you might, you can't let them go... who knew you had the ablity to affect something from so far away.... apparently you do... or rather i do and if someone else's words are to believed, i suddenly understand why i'm so hated. I don't agree cuz technically, it's not ME! i'm just there.. kinda... and because i'm somewhat there, involved in a way, it all becomes my fault.... i'm not making any sense am i? In my head I am, i swear... but like i've said, my mind is going a million miles a minute.
• I just had to do something really hard... i had to let go of something I hold dear. it's not completely gone... just not all mine anymore because it shouldn't have been all mine in the first place. It was unfair and until the whole situation can be rectified and until all the pieces have fallen into place, i do have to let go of that something, just a little... and i have. and i'll be strong, and i'll have my brave face on because once upon a time, even just over a year ago, that's all anyone ever saw and in the past 4 months that facade has crumbled and it's up to me and me alone to build that back up... it reminds me of a few Buffy quotes that seem to fit... (I'm a Buffy nerd, leaveme alone :P)

• Buffy:.... 'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.
  Whistler:In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.

• Angelus:Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?
  Buffy:Me.
  
  
  
• IS it true? at the end of the day can we really truly only rely on ourselves to get us through... sometimes... sometimes i feel so jaded and i believe so... other times, i take a chance on someone and i end up burned... At the end of the day.. the world is just one big fucked up place...
• I'm hurting now.. my back hurts, but my heart hurts and i don't even know why. Is it because some ideas were planted in my head that i can't really know if they're true or not because i'm not where i'm supposed to be? and if they are... there's the big question, huh? What if.... what if they are.... ? then where exactly am i going to be when it all falls down...

You see how scattered my brain is? I think i need to finish this later... cuz nine tenth of my thoughts still haven't figured how to come out...