Lift up the receiver, I'll make you a believer

Well, well, well... here we are again.... and WHAT exactly would i have to say today? I know, a lot of people are probably cringing, waiting for the oh woe is me, fuck my life shit.... sorry to disappoint you kiddies, but i don't play that way anymore.

So thus hear marks a new chapter of my life. Yawn! how boring! who hasn't heard that before, right?
I agree but I have the spent the last couple weeks coming to terms with a lot of things in my life. So read on and learn with me... cuz this is only the beginning and it's only going to get better from here...

~My baby bro just got married. Love my new sister, loved the wedding, did my first keg stand, talk about classy eh? but i decided to give myself one last hurrah cuz its my bro's wedding before i decided that was it... more to come on that..

~I missed 2 wrestling shows this weekend cuz of my bro's wedding. TWO!!!! it hurts :( lol, i'm jk... yeah it sucks i wasn't there but it was my bro's wedding, I'm sure i was missed though.. i mean I'm really good at pressing the play button for entrance music... REALLY GOOD!!!!!!

~I miss wrestling with all that I am. like it's a physical ache to not be able to do anything and i've been tired of it for awhile but now it's just been pushed too far and a fire has been lit under my ass and it's time to fix it all up and take the world by storm.

~I'm changed, that's all i can say. if you don't like it, oh well, i'm done caring.

~Right now, it's all about me. I'm focusing on myself, i'm worrying just about myself, it's just ME. and no one is going to change this...it''s been a long fucking time since i've been this focused so don't think that anyone or anything can change this cuz you know what? you cant! i'm TOO focused this time and i plan to keep it this way.

~i said earlier, i'm straight up now. It's a personal choice that I"VE made so i can take time to focus on me. Yes that means no more drinking(i didn't do that a lot but when i did, oh boy was i good at it) yes that means no drugs (not that i did really anyways, but you get what i'm saying, right?) and no more other things that i won't get into right now but i know it and that's all that matters.

~I've been told that I have the worst luck ever and this is now my response to it.... FUCK THAT!!!! this whole called luck thing is no longer a factor in my life because it's a whole new ball game now. One where i say fuck that stupid thing called Luck, i make my own way now...

~I know what i have to do now, i know what i have to work towards and it's going to be done. I was feeling like it was all too late now, that there really isn't much of a point. But one person turned that all around, reminded me that it wasn't over and i could still do whatever i wanted. Who says i can't? and even if someone does say that, who am i to listen? why should i listen? Why can't i say fuck it all and go do what i know i'm damn well capable of.

Don't count me out of the game yet because i'm not done, not by a long shot...


Listening to: Marilyn Manson- Personal Jesus

if you love someone let them go...

i dunno, i always felt-

if you want something, or someone and you think it/they're worth it... then you do EVERYTHING in your power to show that you think it/they are...you ignore the haters, you ignore what everyone tells you and you show the world just how much you think it/they are worth it. but maybe thats me and maybe that's my problem...maybe that's ALWAYS been my problem and why nothing just ever works out..

cuz when i finally decide that something is worth it.. and i don't make a decision lightly, i don't just jump into things... i need reason, i need to be shown that it's worth a shot... but once i believe it, i give it my all... i give it everything...

But as always, i'm the only one...

I've gone through so many emotions the past little while... at first, i felt ignored, cuz i was, then i was angry, because i was being ignored and pushed away, so when i push back, i'm told it;s over... cuz guess what, it's not worth it!!!!

it's like..... my opinions, my feelings don't matter and when i point that out ... i'm selfish, apparently i only want my opinion to matter... PLEASE, i JUST want to be heard... i want to be listened to.. i want my feelings to be taken into account...

i HATE putting my all into something, which everyone very well knows i did and then just have it all thrown in my face...

you have the gall to call me selfish?? please, go look in the mirror... do it. start learning to accept some blame cuz it does NOT lie solely on me.... and you know that and that's why it pisses you off so much and i get blamed for everything...

But i'm done being the scape goat, i'm done being your door mat... i'm done feeling like i don't matter, that everything i've done was for naught.

so while you're sitting there believing you're much better off, start thinking that this wasn't just all about me... THINK about everything i've done, was willing to do, then think about why, just why am i so upset... go ahead do it... or... you can just get mad at me again and say it's all my fault...

hells ya, i'm pissed, i'm really pissed off... i've told you i've gone through every emotion possible... what is it like the seven stages of healing, denial, anger, grief, acceptance, a bunch of others... guess what.. i've done them ALL... and i'm entitled to it... i'm not being childish or some pissy little drama queen, it's called being Human.. all humans do it... and to tell me i'm acting like that is just cuz you don't want to deal with it... i mean, i don't blame you, i don't want to either.. but that's LIFE!!!...

I feel abandoned too...seriously.. in my life the shit hit the fan all this stuff came falling down on me and it got too tough so it''s kind of like.. SEE YA!!!! so yeah on this end, it looks like i was just abandoned. even if i'm wrong.. the timing sure as hell was good, wasn't it... ?

I know it seems like i'm NOT but i am ready and TRYING to move on... it's when you appear and are getting jealous about certain things and then the next day tell me to move on.... it fucks with my head...

i might be ready to move on but can i date... ? i don't know.. i've been asked out a few times already in the past couple weeks... once by a girl even... and i'm really tempted with her.... i have no idea what that means lol... but everyone's been nothing but nice and sweet and caring... and THERE for me... something you haven't been before you said goodbye... which is true...

Yeah, i know i'm coming off a bitchy at times... but really, my mind is going through so much and i'm thinking about everything thats happened and above all else, i'm hurt.. i'm really fucking hurt... i don't fall in love often, but when i do, i fall hard and i give it my all... and i did that... i stupidly did that because inside, in my gut, i KNOW what's worth it and what's possible, i just do! i have great intuition but now, all of a sudden you don't want to believe in my gut feelings or intuition, even if yo don't believe it, that doesn't mean it's not there... it won't go away...

Neither will the hurt i feel... at least not right away... over time, ya. cuz thats life...

and perhaps writing this, venting out all my frustrations is what i need...

so ya... time to move on... ppl get it,ppl understand how i'm feeling and what i'm going through and they're patient enough to give me that time and let me know they're still interested and wanting to be with me... i'm just tired of giving my all into something and getting maybe HALF of it back... so.. i dunno... i feel bad that next time, i just can't put my all into it cuz i'm tired of getting burned...

I don't know.. i'm prolly gonna go back and read this and half of it wont make sense but i just needed to write and get all my frustration out...

call me bitch, call me dramatic, call me childish, call me a drama queen, call me whatever the fuck you want... but why are you calling me that??? cuz it's true and i AM, or cuz what i said has some smidgeon of truth to it? I'm not even Trying to be any of those things, i'm hurt, i'm angry, i'm frustrated and i don't understand a lot of things...and maybe i need some closure...

But at the end of the day, if i need to write it out, i'm allowed too, freedom of speech and all that jazz... plus the name up top IS my name... or one of them lol...

I don't know... i just don't know anymore...

I would throw my hands up cuz baby i tried...

i'm tired... i'm just so tired...

ppl wanna know why my blogs seem so... blah and down all the time... cuz i'm not always like that... perhaps, once in awhile, everything gets too much, so yeah, i'm gonna let it out...

i'm tired of bending over backwards to help ppl, to do stuff for ppl, to do what i can to make things easier for them, and when i do, it's... i'm taking advantage of and i realized i'm just too pathetic to let it go otherwise... and that's pretty pathetic too...

I'm tired of feeling so let down all the time..

I'm tired of being the one who always fights for us and when i become unsure for awhile, you so readily agree... and it's weird how much it hurts... how painful it is, even if i was the one who instigated it... maybe deep inside i didn't want an agreement, maybe i wanted to hear, no i don't agree... i dunno, maybe i did... cuz it hurts like hell, so thats why i think that... But either way its happened and this time i do plan to deal with it... cuz i'm tired of being the only one who fights so hard... if that makes sense...

but more than anything, i feel so lost, i don't know where to go now... what to do.... but i think thats just my life in general and how i've been feeling all day...

I feel trapped. i mean i had a plan, something i was working towards, and in a heartbeat, it's gone... a part of me thought that no matter what it would still be there, it was still doable, but than i was told nope, not anymore...

what do you do when no one believes in you anymore... ?

i'm rethinking my whole life, i fucking HATE that...

maybe i'm just crashing so badly from drinking so much?? you know how you're not supposed to drink whileon anti-depressants cuz when you do, it's like TOO much of a good thing and then you end up crashing really badly... thats me right now...

so what happens in a day or two when i'm normal again and realized i fucked up... Will it even matter? i don't know...

note to self: quit drinking... well i rarely drink anyways but perhaps i shouldn't drink THAT MUCH anymore... ?

I know you're going to read this.. perhaps even be pissed off at me for some things I have said... but i hope i'm just crashing... i hope i'm completely wrong about everything, that it's all in my head and you tell me that as well...

I wish you would tell me i'm wrong, that i'm wrong to think it, to feel it... and you don't agree with what i said...

i wish you would tell me you still believe in me and tell me to keep working to my goal cuz you still think i should be there and not here....

or am i just too completely insanely stupid??

better pay attention, and get what you been missing...

so had a fight with the stairs the yesterday... they won...

was told i'm the unluckiest person in the world again today... how nice...

i wish i could say what was really bothering me.. what's really going on but i can't... and it's kind of bad right now and i'm slipping and i can't do anything, i can't right myself and fix it right now and that's really sad... but i mean... i was supposed to be helped with it today but was forgotten about... so i can't fix this for another week... ugh... i'm really stuck feeling like hell for another week til i can fix this... how sad, huh?

just saw the airline prices have gone up... how sadder... looks like this won't be happening anytime soon... so, i'm just gonna...get it out now... and then, be done with it i guess... cuz i'm so frigging frustrated.. but i don't have a choice... i only ever pushed because i wanted it to happen, so friggin badly, before it was too late... and now... ugh... i dunno... i just don't know anymore...

so this is me, getting it out and now putting it away..

because i'm done...

i'm done with so much more than anyone knows, that i just can't get into right now...

how much sadder is that, huh?

I can't use what I can't abuse....

Part deux...

remember how i was all over the place.. still kinda going on... hmmm

• everything happens for a reason. everything. right? so why fight it? why not except it? maybe because deep down in your gut, you know this isn't right, that this can't be the way... right? what if you're fooling yourself....
• my W key isn't working properly, so i might miss some W's
• when did my life become a great big ball of suckish? and when did i let it bother me so much? i don't know.. i'm trying to figure it out, i'm so confused....
• what happens, when the first person who totally believed in you and what your capable of finally gives up? like how am i supposed to react? how am i supposed to feel? is it a frickin wonder i'm so down on myself?... it gets better... what do you do when, just a little while later, the person who just believed in you as a whole, the person who was your sun, your reason, your everything, just gives up on you in general? how do you react then? how are you supposed to feel then? some may claim that's not the case, that they haven't given up... but... in a way... they did..
• i'm not perfect, i'm far from perfect... i have my flaws... actually i'm pretty sure more flaws than not... i'm kind just realizing that... i mean, i always knew i was far from perfect but i didn't realize how many flaws actually existed, or how to fix them... i feel like certain...events... some tragic (no, i'm not exaggerating) have messed me up beyond belief... and i can't just be normal... and i have a tendency to screw up anything and everything...
• i also have a tendency to take all the blame on myself, cuz i mean, if i screw up once, everything somehow ends up being all my fault, and i'm the one left begging for one more try, begging to not give up...
• i'm so gonna get yelled at for this but i really wish they would try... jut TRY and see it from my side... see how i'm feeling, ask why i feel this way..
• i had 2 panic attacks today, count em, 2.... somethings not right there, but i had to keep my mouth shut... well moreso, i put what was going on aside, to deal with more pressing matters at the moment... but the fact of the matter is, it was frickin scary.... like i... well if you've had panic attacks you know... now have them close together... *shudders*
• i'm gonna be in so much trouble.. sigh... but.. i don't have an outlet, i don't have anyone to talk to... and this is all just... pretty vague...
• cheerleading is big right now an it's giving me wonderful, wonderful ideas...
• today... i was hurt so much... i felt like i had gone 5 years in the past and was with my ex again. horrible things were said to me and for a while... i was that girl again, i was that scared little girl, who believed it all and didn't know better and it scared me and it made me feel awful... and i still do... i think that's what brought on the first panic attack...
• i did a lot of wrong but a lot of wrong was done to me...
• i don't know what to do anymore. i'm lost. i'm not looking for a pity party, i'm nto wanting everyone to feel sorry for me, i'm just being honest, i just need to get so much out right now and i dunno who to talk to... or what to do... i'm so pathetic...
• i just watched Hellcats, the ending made me cry... wait what hasn't today?
• and thus ends my thoughts for now...

except... Some people have seen you at your worst and left you, the ones who stay are the ones who deserve you.

I can't stop when it comes to you

my mind is in a billion places so this will be scattered... i'll do a bullet points system but it will jump around a lot, you have been warned...

• isn't it amazing how in one instant your whole perspective can change? how one comment from someone can change everything?
• How do you trust anyone in this world? It's Human Nature to lie... Everyone lies. so how do you take the blind leap of faith to trust someone... and what do you do when that trust is shattered? Can you walk away? What if you know you have to but you're just not strong enough to? what does that say about you?
• I've been hit with super bad luck. I'm told at least once a day I have the worst luck ever. I was in a car accident on Sept. 29th. It hurt my back pretty bad.... Jan. 29... yes 4 months to the day, i was in another one.... since the first one, i've been struggling, trying to regain my footing and the second one happened and i just felt like saying, fine Life, you win, i give up and i wanted more than anything to just quit caring cuz i was so tired of it just being one thing after another... ya know? Obviously i told Life to go to hell and save me a seat...
• Have you ever wondered if you're just doing more harm to someone than good...
• Do i sound like i'm having major issues? perhaps major self esteem problems
• thoughts are planted in your mind and try as you might, you can't let them go... who knew you had the ablity to affect something from so far away.... apparently you do... or rather i do and if someone else's words are to believed, i suddenly understand why i'm so hated. I don't agree cuz technically, it's not ME! i'm just there.. kinda... and because i'm somewhat there, involved in a way, it all becomes my fault.... i'm not making any sense am i? In my head I am, i swear... but like i've said, my mind is going a million miles a minute.
• I just had to do something really hard... i had to let go of something I hold dear. it's not completely gone... just not all mine anymore because it shouldn't have been all mine in the first place. It was unfair and until the whole situation can be rectified and until all the pieces have fallen into place, i do have to let go of that something, just a little... and i have. and i'll be strong, and i'll have my brave face on because once upon a time, even just over a year ago, that's all anyone ever saw and in the past 4 months that facade has crumbled and it's up to me and me alone to build that back up... it reminds me of a few Buffy quotes that seem to fit... (I'm a Buffy nerd, leaveme alone :P)

• Buffy:.... 'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.
  Whistler:In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.

• Angelus:Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?
  Buffy:Me.
  
  
  
• IS it true? at the end of the day can we really truly only rely on ourselves to get us through... sometimes... sometimes i feel so jaded and i believe so... other times, i take a chance on someone and i end up burned... At the end of the day.. the world is just one big fucked up place...
• I'm hurting now.. my back hurts, but my heart hurts and i don't even know why. Is it because some ideas were planted in my head that i can't really know if they're true or not because i'm not where i'm supposed to be? and if they are... there's the big question, huh? What if.... what if they are.... ? then where exactly am i going to be when it all falls down...

You see how scattered my brain is? I think i need to finish this later... cuz nine tenth of my thoughts still haven't figured how to come out...

ummm oops???

What can i say? i forgot? lol...
i WILL get the letters done...
like i said before ... i've just been really off... how do i get past that... especially when i feel alone...
it's tough you know, and my urge to write has been totally stamped down so like... i'm trying to get over it and i will get it done...
Happy 2010..
Much love to you all...