i dunno, i always felt-
if you want something, or someone and you think it/they're worth it... then you do EVERYTHING in your power to show that you think it/they are...you ignore the haters, you ignore what everyone tells you and you show the world just how much you think it/they are worth it. but maybe thats me and maybe that's my problem...maybe that's ALWAYS been my problem and why nothing just ever works out..
cuz when i finally decide that something is worth it.. and i don't make a decision lightly, i don't just jump into things... i need reason, i need to be shown that it's worth a shot... but once i believe it, i give it my all... i give it everything...
But as always, i'm the only one...
I've gone through so many emotions the past little while... at first, i felt ignored, cuz i was, then i was angry, because i was being ignored and pushed away, so when i push back, i'm told it;s over... cuz guess what, it's not worth it!!!!
it's like..... my opinions, my feelings don't matter and when i point that out ... i'm selfish, apparently i only want my opinion to matter... PLEASE, i JUST want to be heard... i want to be listened to.. i want my feelings to be taken into account...
i HATE putting my all into something, which everyone very well knows i did and then just have it all thrown in my face...
you have the gall to call me selfish?? please, go look in the mirror... do it. start learning to accept some blame cuz it does NOT lie solely on me.... and you know that and that's why it pisses you off so much and i get blamed for everything...
But i'm done being the scape goat, i'm done being your door mat... i'm done feeling like i don't matter, that everything i've done was for naught.
so while you're sitting there believing you're much better off, start thinking that this wasn't just all about me... THINK about everything i've done, was willing to do, then think about why, just why am i so upset... go ahead do it... or... you can just get mad at me again and say it's all my fault...
hells ya, i'm pissed, i'm really pissed off... i've told you i've gone through every emotion possible... what is it like the seven stages of healing, denial, anger, grief, acceptance, a bunch of others... guess what.. i've done them ALL... and i'm entitled to it... i'm not being childish or some pissy little drama queen, it's called being Human.. all humans do it... and to tell me i'm acting like that is just cuz you don't want to deal with it... i mean, i don't blame you, i don't want to either.. but that's LIFE!!!...
I feel abandoned too...seriously.. in my life the shit hit the fan all this stuff came falling down on me and it got too tough so it''s kind of like.. SEE YA!!!! so yeah on this end, it looks like i was just abandoned. even if i'm wrong.. the timing sure as hell was good, wasn't it... ?
I know it seems like i'm NOT but i am ready and TRYING to move on... it's when you appear and are getting jealous about certain things and then the next day tell me to move on.... it fucks with my head...
i might be ready to move on but can i date... ? i don't know.. i've been asked out a few times already in the past couple weeks... once by a girl even... and i'm really tempted with her.... i have no idea what that means lol... but everyone's been nothing but nice and sweet and caring... and THERE for me... something you haven't been before you said goodbye... which is true...
Yeah, i know i'm coming off a bitchy at times... but really, my mind is going through so much and i'm thinking about everything thats happened and above all else, i'm hurt.. i'm really fucking hurt... i don't fall in love often, but when i do, i fall hard and i give it my all... and i did that... i stupidly did that because inside, in my gut, i KNOW what's worth it and what's possible, i just do! i have great intuition but now, all of a sudden you don't want to believe in my gut feelings or intuition, even if yo don't believe it, that doesn't mean it's not there... it won't go away...
Neither will the hurt i feel... at least not right away... over time, ya. cuz thats life...
and perhaps writing this, venting out all my frustrations is what i need...
so ya... time to move on... ppl get it,ppl understand how i'm feeling and what i'm going through and they're patient enough to give me that time and let me know they're still interested and wanting to be with me... i'm just tired of giving my all into something and getting maybe HALF of it back... so.. i dunno... i feel bad that next time, i just can't put my all into it cuz i'm tired of getting burned...
I don't know.. i'm prolly gonna go back and read this and half of it wont make sense but i just needed to write and get all my frustration out...
call me bitch, call me dramatic, call me childish, call me a drama queen, call me whatever the fuck you want... but why are you calling me that??? cuz it's true and i AM, or cuz what i said has some smidgeon of truth to it? I'm not even Trying to be any of those things, i'm hurt, i'm angry, i'm frustrated and i don't understand a lot of things...and maybe i need some closure...
But at the end of the day, if i need to write it out, i'm allowed too, freedom of speech and all that jazz... plus the name up top IS my name... or one of them lol...
I don't know... i just don't know anymore...
