The world is a little darker...

I was her Princess. Only two people were allowed to call me that and she was one. I was her Princess and she was my Auntie Mags.

I had just posted on her wall last night making fun of Twilight as I know how much she adores it when I recieved a message. I thought it was a joke. A cruel, horrible, thoughtless joke because there was no way it could be real. How could it be real? How could one of the sweetest souls I have ever come across be taken away? It made no sense.

But it wasn't a joke, it wasn't some horrible awful nightmare because when I woke up, the news was still there.

The world is a bit darker today. and even now, there are clouds outside and i'm waiting for it to rain, it seems as though it should be.

I have forged many friendships online. I have met so many wonderful people and have found myself closer to them then a lot of people not online. In this day and age, that's how it is with most people and no one bats an eyelash at it. Maggie was one of those wonderful friendships I found. I always promised her that when I was allowed back in the States I would come visit her and it hurts to say that won't be happening now.

she was so sweet and full of love and during times when I didn't hear from her, I would ask her why. Especially if something was wrong why didn't she talk to me and her response was that she never wanted to bug anyone. She always worried that she was a nuisance to people but it was never the case and just one look at her facebook page shows that everyone else felt the same way.
Maggie Mae

I met her online through either a wrestling group or a writing group. We did share those in common and no matter what she always had an encouraging word for anyone. I would talk to her online, sometimes hours at a time, especially when things were rough and she would never let me give up on myself or the situation. She listened, actually listened and always had advice to offer.

We exchanged snail mail christmas cards and I never do that with anyone.

Ugh there is no way I'm going to get through this whole blog at one time. 

And I was right, I couldn't...i mean, I had to finish this days later...

I'm not big on the whole crying thing but I spent 2 day's bawling my eyes out over this and yet at the same time, it's Auntie Mags, she'd want to know why I was crying over this.
I don't think she realized how loved she was, I don't think anyone had ever said a bad word against her and it's very rare to meet someone like that nowadays. It really is.

I remember she used to send me pictures of her meeting different wrestlers and asked if I met them and what they were like. If she told me I was meeting someone I knew, she would go up to them and talk about me. or even tell someone I didn't know that her niece was training. she was just so darn proud of me. When moms, (luna) said she was making a Desiree Brent hoody (limited edition for the few who wanted them ;) lol) and Auntie Mags was one of the first people to want one.... Now I kinda want to get that done... even if it's just the one, just for her.

I've struggled with getting my wrestling career started because I'm so accident prone. I've been frustrated on so many levels and she was there whenever I needed to vent and I always left with a smile. her unwavering faith in me and what I was capable of was something I will NEVER forget.

Ugh... I know i can go on and on for pages talking about the wonderful woman that will be sorely missed and never forgotten. But really, what more can I say about her that everyone doesn't already know.

The world lost someone super special... a lot of people lost a wonderful friend.

I'm going to go listen to Jessie's girl on repeat and remember the lovely woman that has touched so many hearts.

Auntie Mags, you'll be forever with us, we will never forget you, we will always love you...

Love always,
Your Princess.

what hurts the most...

i have a question...
How does one person put their life back together. or some semblance of being put back together.?

Let me back up here...
I don't write here often , yeah i get that and when I do, it's usually when i'm at a breaking point and need to get everything off my chest.
I don't know what point i'm at right now... I think I'm at the point where I just kind of want to live again, if that makes any sense...

and the hard part is.... i don't know if i know how to... sounds stupid, right? but it is.. I spent the last 16 months spiralling downwards, deeper and further into depression. It's hereditary. in case you didn't know. Bi polar disorder. and i feel i spent the last 16 months on the down part of it. And it's left me with anxiety and i've had panic attacks and it's just been hellacious.

Depression, bi polar, the whole likes of it is mentally and physically crippling... a lot of people don't get that, a lot of people don't understand and it's hard trying to get ppl to understand. I've had ppl say, ok, i'm gonna give you one more chance don't fuck this up, or stop making up excuses... and sure perhaps they seem that way to you.. but this is a mental illness. one that i can't just get over. I take 3 different kinds of medication just to help me feel normal but sometimes it's not enough....

i wrote this in my support group

so i was diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago when I was 21. though I've known since I was 14 as it's a hereditary thing. but now.. it's been 15 months since I was laid off from my job, in a car accident that messed up my back and basically kept me out of a lot of activities, including wrestling, which was the one thing that was holding me together. i slowly spiraled downwards an it took 9 months for my doctor to realize that i was worse off, even though i kept telling him i was. but now, 15 months later, i sit here and look back on everything and just feel so disconnected with the world. I have isolated myself from anyone and everyone who mattered and most of them don't have a clue about what I go through, so how do i explain it? How do i put my life back together again? How do i join the real world again? the task seems so daunting and so scary and i just don't know what to do

That's completely true.... i don't know where to begin, how to talk to people, what to say without breaking down, and anyone who knows me at all knows how much i HATE to cry...
yet.. no one really gets that even though i seem fine on the outside i'm really not.
I try to like, never leave the house anymore.
My cousin, who seems to understand will drag me outta the house once in awhile. once a month, i go to a wrestling show and I know there will be a lot of ppl there, i know ppl will want to talk to me and that I have a job to do and I'm okay with that, i get that because no matter how i feel, I still want to be there, there's just something that feels so.. right and I do love it... It's just the GETTING there that's the hard part. I swear it take me days, perhaps weeks to psych myself out and talk myself into it. I know I'll be fine, i like, KNOW that... but i'm still scared and it makes no sense right? when I'm there I'm fine... it's just making myself go!

one thing about depression... it rarely if ever makes sense.
Someone who seemingly has everything and seemingly has nothing to be depressed about CAN be...
thats another thing about depression... you don't need a reason to be depressed.

there's a chemical imbalance in me in case you still don't get it. I don't have a choice in any of this, i just need to work hard on balancing myself out... and it's an uphill battle everyday. and now that i'm finally feeling like i could breath again and i'm not being crushed by the weight of everything, I need to figure out how exactly to put everything back together.
How do i tell everyone that I've isolated what's been going on?
How do I tell everyone that theres a reason I haven't seemed like myself over the past year?
How do i explain it all?

It's really hard because I'm afraid people won't understand. I'm afraid they will shun me. I'm just afraid of opening up and speaking about it. It's a super scary thing.

I don't know what changed and made me decide it's time to be part of the world again. Am i happy? Not my happiest but Happier than I was 3, 6, 12, 16 months ago, yes. Why? well maybe part of it is the doctor switching my meds around. lol
Part of it is, back in the summer, a relationship that was emotionally damaging ended. and did i stay a part of this relationship because i was so depressed and thought i needed SOMETHING to hang onto? I dunno, all it did was hurt me more. I was lied to, i was made to feel stupid, there was fighting like everyday and it was just not healthy. So yeah, i finally reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. did i love him? yeah, i really did, but it was hurting us both more to be together. I know that now.


I got asked the question in my support group today about who or what's there when you need them.

there have been TWO major factors that have really helped. Paris, My dog. I got her in June and we are... bonded like you wouldn't believe. She is my constant companion and even now is cuddled up into my side because she always has that need for physical contact. I'm not like that. i'm not overly affectionate. But having her there, like that, has helped immensely. Dogs have unconditional love. their love is like nothing else in this world and it's true. no matter what, no matter who you are, they love you, they wll always love you and when you need someone, something, just to hug when everything has gone to hell, they are there. Even when I cry, my dad's dog, Casey, he gets upset and comes over and climbs onto my lap until i'm better. sometimes that's all you need, No talking, just the comfort of someone or something there.

Another reason, there's...a guy... now before the questions start about the who's what where when and why's. I'm not getting into it. i'm not talking to anyone about him. thats it, that's all, so don't bother... it's not even like the way you're thinking. he was my friend and it just grew into something more and this time it's different. It's not like it has been before in the way that it's all powerful, all consuming, i'm blinded by everything kind of thing.
It was more of a slow thing that just kinda built up til one day i stopped and was like oh my fucking god, what just happened? and not in a bad way either.
he doesn't do anything overly special, besides be himself :) he's just.... there.... we talk, he makes me laugh, he make me feel better about it and he just gets me.
We're not like.. together or anything but i did feel he was worth mentioning, cuz you know what? he made the last half of 2011 bareable. I didn't have to talk to him about my moods or how i was feeling, i would just need to talk to him and it was like...yeah.. i'm okay, I can do this....

I know i have some people that will be all, you know i'm here, blah blah blah. and i thank you for that. I really do, but mentioning Paris and my friend. she gives me love and affection well he gives me love to. but without him even knowing there is something wrong, he just SAYS something and it makes everything better... i dunno if he will read this but if he does. THank you. thank you so so much.

To everyone who's been patient with me, thank you to you as well.
For those who don't quite get it. go ahead and ask me questions. if i can i will answer them. if not, i'll do that little half smile and shrug thing that I do so well when i'm trying to avoid answering lol.

i'm still unsure about where to start really. how to even go about all this. Taking that first step is the hardest right? I don't know if this is the first step or if i got to figure out what it is still and maybe after rereading this tomorrow, i might have a better grasp on things.

Or maybe someone else out there has some advice?

I think it's time to put my life back together and live, learn, love and laugh. it's not going to be easy and sometimes i'm prolly gonna give up or awhile but i'm just tired. Tired of feeling the way i do, tired of seeing just a black hole in front of me. I'm tired of feeling like i'm standing on the edge of a cliff and trying my hardest not to fall over it.

but again....

Where the hell do i start?